I was driving today on the freeway when the magical scholastic book fair diesel pulled up beside me. The truck had a giant picture of Clifford, the big red dog, on the side of it. This got me thinking a little bit about that huge red pooch.
First off, why did the amazing growth of a 25 foot dog not set off any Government alarms. If I have learned anything from TV, it’s that the Government does not care for abnormal occurrences. A 25 foot red dog, is an abnormal occurrence. The good ole US Government should have been out there bagging and tagging everything that dog ever sniffed, ate, or pooped. Yet no one seemed the least bit phased.
Second, the Howard family, moved to a farm to take care of this dog. Really? Did no one have a job in the city? Was this family so financial secure that they could all pick up and move to a farm without the slightest worry about finances. I imagine that just feeding that beast alone would be thousands of dollars a month. So how did Mr. Howard manage it? My guess: He was selling drugs. The same drugs he invented that created a giant dog. Think about it for a sec. This dog could not have randomly grown 25 feet. Something had to help him. I am guessing Mr. Howard was a pharmacist and was testing a new drug on his little girl’s puppy. The side effects were unexpected and profitable. So who was he selling too, you ask? Well I am guessing he was selling to third world countries. They pump this stuff into a cow and you’ve got food to feed your country for weeks. A noble cause perhaps, but testing on your daughter’s runt of a puppy. Sick.
Third, am I supposed to care about books about Clifford has a puppy? They’ve recently released a series of books that revolve around Clifford when he was a small puppy. Who cares? Really, who cares about a tiny red puppy and his owner. What makes Clifford interesting is the fact that he is 25 feet tall. I mean, yes the fact that he is red is kind of interesting considering I’ve never seen a dog that red but it doesn’t make his books any more interesting. It’s just a splash of color.
I guess, I shouldn’t care too much about all this stuff. I mean, the story of this mutant dog is meant for kids not adults with to much time on their hands. But I mean seriously, no one cares that there is a giant mutant dog? Aren’t they afraid he’s going to eat a kid? Has no one thought of the children!?!