Let’s play a simple game. I am going to describe 10 situations to you and you’re going to tell me if I am describing Hell or one of the many services of the CTA/Ventra system. For those living outside of Chicago, the CTA/Ventra is the transit authority here in Chicago. They work the buses and trains around the city. All right, let’s get started:
1. It is hot, stuffy, crowded and someone keeps touching your butt. Are you on the CTA or in Hell?
Answer: You’re on the CTA!
2. You can hear weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth. Are you on the CTA or in Hell?
Answer: Though these sounds can be heard on the CTA, this is actually describing your time in Hell. The correct answer is Hell.
3. You can hear rap music coming from someone’s phone because they aren’t using headphones. Are you on the CTA or in Hell?
Answer: You’re on the CTA! His headphones are broken, what do you expect him to do, NOT listen to his music?
4. The guy next to you just pooped his pants. Are you on the CTA or in Hell?
Answer: You’re on the CTA!
5. You can see a lake of fire and brimstone. Are you on the CTA or in Hell?
Answer: That’s not Lake Michigan, you’re in Hell!
6. Your driver missed his exit and now you’re headed down Lake Shore Drive with no exit in sight. People are yelling and shouting to get off but the driver is completely ignoring the situation. Are you on the CTA or in Hell?
Answer: You’re on the CTA of course!
7. You are bound hand and foot then thrown into outer darkness. Are you on the CTA or in Hell?
Answer: This isn’t a train with power issues, you’re in Hell baby!
8. You’ve been on the phone for two hours. It seems like your simple problem has never been had by any of the thousands of people using the system before. You’ve been transferred several times because no employee knows how to solve this problem. This problem is you need to update your credit card info. Are you dealing with the CTA or in Hell?
Answer: That’s the CTA, my friend. There’s no job too easy for CTA and Ventra to turn into a complete nightmare.
9. You are drinking the wine of God’s wrath poured full strength into the cup of his anger. Are you on the CTA or in Hell?
Answer: While this may sound a lot like the CTA it is in fact, Hell. Though, I wouldn’t be surprised if this part of Hell was inspired by the CTA in some fashion.
10. You’re tapping your card. Doesn’t work. You tap again. Doesn’t work. You know there’s money on here because you paid this card the other day. You tap again. Doesn’t work. You are asked to get off. Are you on the CTA or are you in Hell?
Answer: This is the CTA of course. Hell would never kick you out for something you have no control over.
Bonus Round: You are squished between two people. One of them is on their phone and the other smells like urine. You keep getting bumped up and down as the driver slams on his breaks at every red light and then starts up again like he is in the Indy 500. The driver also just tried kicked a guy off the bus because the system wouldn’t accept that guy’s card. Now that guy is yelling at the driver but the driver doesn’t seem to notice. He just passed by your stop. The urine smell is now being replaced by the smell of poop. The guy across from you keeps staring at you like he’s going to murder you.
Answer: This of course is the CTA but in many ways it’s also Hell. You see that is the moral of this exercise. Every time I have to do something with the CTA whether that’s calling them or riding on their buses or trains, I find that the entire experience resembles what I imagine Hell being like.
So next time you’re on the train and the guy next to you just opened his Thai food to eat, combining the poop/urine smell with a gross, steamy Kkai Yeow Ma smell, just think this what happens to me for eternity if I ever kill someone. Believe me that will keep you righteous faster than any church ever could.