There’s lots of things I do most every weekday but there is one thing that I do that occurs at the same time in the same place in the same way.
My daily poop.
But why am I telling you this? Because today something different happened, something exciting, something (dare I say) beautiful. But let me set the stage.
Everyday, at 12:45 I start feeling the need in my gut to make a trip to the men’s depository. I’ll typically hold out until around 1:30 and then I’ll finally can’t hold back the wave inside me. The reason I hold out at all is because this whole process is a bit of exercise for me.
You see I skip going to the bathroom on my floor. My floor’s bathroom isn’t the most pleasant place. It’s very popular, loud and gross. It’s like trying to go in a club, there’s music (typically classic rock sometimes rap), there’s writing on the stall walls and it’s just very… farty.
So I’ll go there for a pee but anything beyond that I’ll make a trip to the quiet, exclusive 31st floor. The 31st floor is the Carlton Ritz of public restrooms. Most of the 31st floor full of women making the men’s room quiet, clean and a place where a man can gather his thoughts while dropping load.
Now the reason this ends up being a bit of exercise for me is my recent attempt to better my lifestyle. I’ve started taking the stairs instead of the elevator and while it’s only five floors when I’ve been doing it for a year I still get a little winded by the time I am at the top.
It used to be really bad. I used to come stumbling into my quiet men’s sanctuary on 31 like a man who had just run a marathon. I would wheeze and collapse onto the bowl out of breath. If someone did come in during those times, they probably were really afraid that what I was pushing out was beyond my capabilities or the capacity of man.
Now a days I am out of breath but with a couple deep gasps, I’ll be back on track. I tend to pick the second stall in the line because consistency in this sort of thing is healthy. It’s nice to know that for 5% of every day I occupy this same stall. This stall and I know each other the way a man who spends time hunting knows nature.
So once I am to floor 31, in stall 2, I pull out my phone. Now sadly every bathroom in the building is a deadzone. Where the bathrooms are located is more of less the center of the building making it a windowless, barless, 4g-less nightmare. But overtime I’ve learned to account for this.
I have an app that saves articles for offline reading mode which I’ll use a lot and I also have a series of relaxing games. I tend to believe that your time on the toilet should be a time of ease, so I tend to steer away from games that will frustrate me, the flappy birds and what not. I like the old classics like Solitare, Minesweeper and Yahtzee.
Well this past Friday, I was sitting in 31 doing my business with this week’s game, Yahtzee and to my surprise I actually got a Yahtzee. Hazzah! This was unusual but not completely unheard of but then something magical happened. I got a second Yahtzee. Not only that but every single category was being filled with extremely high points.
I couldn’t believe it. This was going to be my best score ever. I kept going the poop becoming a bit more intense than I typically liked but I had to see this through. I pressed the last button and sure enough, I scored my best score.
It was a miracle. I put the iPhone in my pocket and took the next few minutes to just enjoy my situation. It wasn’t every day that I broke personal records but today wasn’t just any day. It was Yahtzee day.
As I sat and thought about my win, I came to the conclusion that I needed to post this to my blog to celebrate with everyone. Bringing in friends, family and strangers into a celebration of Yahtzee points. Hence today’s post.*
I returned back downstairs and my team said we were going to the bar to get drinks. They didn’t say as much but I think we all knew this was a celebratory party for my new high score… though I wasn’t sure how they knew about it.
As we sat around with our drinks, my team with their beers and I with my Coke I thought, this is how you end a trip to 31. If only it could end this way every day. If only every poop could be so amazing.
*This is more or less what you expected from my blog right?