Dear tall blonde Travis,
So I didn’t want to bring this up but I am afraid I just can’t let it slide. I had a dream last night in which we were in high school and you were dating Emma Stone. You know that she is my celebrity main-squeeze and it is entirely inappropriate that you would even think of dating her. Oh and before you start telling me that this was my dream and you had no control, I am pretty sure there was a study done at some university somewhere that talked about how you can influence your friend’s dreams by little things you say or do. Obviously some passing comment informed my subconscious about your devious intentions with my Emma.
I know we share the same first name but I can’t believe that after all we’ve been through you would betray me by dating the one woman my wife told me I could hook up with if I was given the opportunity. I know you’re tall and have blonde hair and blue eyes and you’re basically every girl’s dreamboat but in my dreams I can fly and I just don’t know why Emma couldn’t see that in me. I mean she was so into you because you played on hockey team which I know you don’t even know anything about hockey except how to knuckle puck which isn’t a real thing!
What hurts most of all is that Emma looked like she does in Spider-man as Gwen Stacy, and I know that you know that Gwen Stacy is my comic book main-squeeze. It’s like you stabbed me with a double edge sword. Do you know who I was dating in this dream? It was a cat but everyone acted like it was a real girl even though her name was muffins!
So now I have to find a new celebrity main-squeeze because you soiled the image of Emma Stone forever when you both were making out on that dragon roller coaster ride at that theme park on the moon. I am so hurt. So, so hurt. I think our friendship might be over. I never thought it would end this way.
P.S. Tia just told me that you were dating her celeb main squeeze, Thor, in her nap. WTF, Trav. Have some standards.