Every young girl dreams about that magical day when they finally get to be a princess for a day and marry the man they love in front of all her family and friends. They’ll fantasize about their dress, the food, the dancing, everything. While it may seem like men don’t think about their dream wedding that couldn’t be further from the truth. Men also fantasize about what it will be like when we finally become a prince.
Now I may already be married and my wedding was great but that doesn’t mean I sometimes don’t imagine what could have been… if I was put completely in charge.
Imagine it with me:
It’s a beautiful day with clear blue skies and just a slight breeze blowing in from the south. Everyone is sitting in lazy-boy chairs in a large open field in England. Off to the left an organist plays classic rock hits while they wait for Tia to enter. Suddenly coming off of a dirt road is a large black limo. The limo pulls right up to the edge of the crowd and the door opens. Suddenly the music shifts to traditional wedding music as Tia steps out of the car. As Tia makes her way down the isle, our organist is joined by a man shredding it on his guitar as well.
Once Tia reaches the alter everyone turns back to the limo but it simply drives off. Everyone begins looking around wondering where I am. Travis wouldn’t stand her up would he? Surely he couldn’t be so cruel? Suddenly the shredding guitarist and organist are joined by a drummer rocking hard and a base player. The music switches to Led Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song.
Wait! What’s that overhead? Why is that plane flying so low? Oh my… Is that a man jumping from the plane? Is that… Travis? Sure enough, from high overhead, I come diving in. I pull my chute and the British flag waves proudly over my head. I land at the end of the isle.
I unzip my jump suit to reveal a tux underneath. As I walk down the isle towards Tia the music gets faster and more intense until I reach the alter where pyro technics fire up on both sides signally to the crowd that wedding is about to begin. As I stand at the alter, I realize I am still wearing my goggles so I throw them into the crowd, like a rockstar.
At this point Sir Sean Connery steps up to the alter and begins the process of marrying Tia and I. His ceremony is beautiful, heartfelt and full of references to Indiana Jones and James Bond. But midway through, some awful and “unexpected” happens. There is a ninja attack.
The ninja’s come in and begin threatening to end the wedding and force this beautiful American girl to marry their evil master. Sean Connery and I team up for the battle of a lifetime as we take down ninja’s left and right. Once all the ninja’s are defeated, Sir Sean looks at me and tells me that he’s always considered me a son.
After the wedding, a party begins, with all the chocolate milk and pastries you can enjoy. Just imagine a wall of doughnuts, cookies, breads, oh boy. This would be the most delicious of wedding dishes.
Everyone sits around talking about the ninja fight and how real it seemed. Finally my best man gets up to speak. Now at my real wedding my best man was my brother Travis and I couldn’t be more happy about that but if I am being honest with my self, my real best man would have been Batman. So in this wedding, Batman stands up to speak. Here is a sample from his wedding speech.
“When my parents were gunned down in dark alley before my eyes, only two things kept me going. One was my never-ending quest for justice and revenge. The idea of pummeling unexpected criminals in the dark is enough to keep anyone going. But the second thing that made me get up that fateful night is my good friend, Travis. He’s my friend and my partner. But he’s not a Robin, more like a second Batman.”
Beautiful words. Finally, we dance the night away to music remixed by our friend, DJ Deadmau5.
As the night nears the end, Tia is asked to dance by Thor. I mean it’s only fair that if I get to be James Bond’s son and Batman’s best friend that Tia gets to dance it out one song with Thor. But when Thor asks for a second, I break in. When he refuses, I lay him out with one punch just like in Back to the Future. Which is fitting because at this point we play our final two songs which are Johnny B Goode and Earth Angel as performed by Michael J Fox.
As Tia and I head out to a car, Christopher lloyd pulls up in a custom Delorean and tells us we have to go to back. To which I knowingly respond, “Back where?” Christopher Lloyd looks me dead in the eyes and says, “Back to the Future”. At this point fireworks go off that make the shape of a tiger in the sky because, why not?
Tia and I get into the custom Delorean, set the circuits, make sure the flux capacitor is fluxing and drive off. Though, I want this to be abundantly clear: No one is to decorate my car. NO ONE. Also no one is to hide my car keys in blown up condoms. NO ONE. These two things are simply the worst.
As Tia and I drive off into the night, with fireworks shaped like dinosaurs explode in the sky, everyone in the crowd can’t help but think that this was the most amazing wedding off all time; it’s a shame Travis forgot to get a photographer.