For as long as I can remember, my showers have been a musical numbers. Not just singing but listening to the music as well. There’s just something about cleaning off the dirt and grime while jamming to some sweet tunes. In recent years, as sleeping babies and napping toddlers have taken over my life, my nude-music time has become fewer and farther between.
But that’s okay because it makes the times I can listen to music all the sweeter and I rock even harder. This is what brings us to our four seconds. I was jamming really loud while Tia and Simon made breakfast with Parker watching them. I had left the laptop sitting outside the bathroom door on a tiny chair. I was in our room preparing to get dressed. I was about as far from the laptop as you could be. I was still in my towel when I heard it.
The song was Die Rad by Maniac. It was on this playlist by accident. It shouldn’t have been here because the first few lines of the song were as follows:
I was never one to hold my tongue
No cat’s ever got this one
Straight from a f***ing tiger’s lung
Yep, besides not knowing exactly what it was referring too, this song drops a nice big F-bomb right at the start. Now I’ve never been a prude when it comes to this kind of stuff, I understand sometimes that’s just what’s going to be said but now I live with a toddler Talkboy.
Simon was repeating everything. I couldn’t allow him to hear the this word. The last thing I need is Simon looking at a zoo book seeing a tiger and blindly reminding me about a f***ing tiger’s lung.
“I was never one to hold my tongue”
The first line began and instantly, I remembered what was coming. If I didn’t stop that F-bomb from happening, Simon would probably end up in prison because I am pretty sure there is a study that connected F-words and prison… Or maybe that was tattoos and swearing. Either way, I had to stop it.
I took one step and suddenly everything froze. Time stood completely still and a white light filled the room. On the edge of the light, a man stood in a flowing white robe. At first I thought he was a prophet but as the light shifted around him, I saw clearly who he was.
“No”, he said, “It is I, Nelson Mandela.” I waited for a brief moment before he continued, “as portrayed by Morgan Freeman. I am here to tell you that to accomplish your task you will face three challenges, a physical challenge, a moral challenge and a challenge of wits. Fail anyone and Simon will become a swearing hoodlum for life.”
I swallowed in fear. “When do I begin?”
Morgan smiled, “Now, your first challenge is already under foot.”
Suddenly I stepped on a lego. Pain shot through my leg and I found myself howling at the moon. But I wouldn’t falter. Just like a mom who can move a car to save her child, I suddenly found a previously unknown strength within me. I walked across the legos and felt pain, no more.
As stepped past the Legos, I knew my first challenge was complete.
“No cat’s ever got this one”
Just as the second line of music began to play, my world froze once more around me. Morgan Freeman acting as Nelson Mandela whispered into my ear, “A moral conundrum is upon you.” What could he mean? Then the draft told me.
I had been so focused on the Legos that I didn’t realize that I had lost my towel. I was now fully nude. The moral dilemma was clear. Would it be worse for Simon to hear and potentially repeat the F-word or to see his father standing in the buff. What if this becomes his earliest memory? What then?
I thought of Simon on death row for three counts of murder because I had let him hear the F-word when he was two. The choice was obvious, even if Simon always remembered this moment, I had to keep going. I proceeded forward, naked as the day I was born and twice as hairy.
“Straight from a f***ing tiger’s lung”
As the final line began, I realized I had made it. I was at the computer and whatever the third challenge was, I had obviously completed it. All I needed to do was press pause. I hit the button and nothing happened. I quickly swiped my fingers and saw the screen come alive with light but as beautiful as the light was, it also made my problem abundantly clear: I was in a different browser.
Though I already knew my problem, Morgan Freeman’s luscious voice echoed it in my mind, “There is no time to switch browsers and pause, what ever will you do.” His voice had a mocking tone to it, perhaps he wanted to see me fail, perhaps he felt there need to be vegence on me for not watching his latest film.
Whatever the reason, I wasn’t going to let Morgan Freeman get me down. I would rise above. I would complete all the challenges. I would outsmart this problem. I had the intelligence. I was a 3.4 student. That’s average suckas. It began…
“From a fuuuuuuu-”
I picked up Simon and held him up to my face and before he could get a barring of his surroundings I shouted at him as loudly as possible.
“-king tiger’s lung”
The cowabunga worked as planned, acting as the most bodacious editor, it blocked the f-word out. Simon stared back and me and then shouted, “Cowabunga”. I smiled knowing I had won. At that moment Tia poked her head around the corner to see if everything was alright. What she saw was her husband, naked and wet, holding her son up to eye-level, shouting into his face but what she should have seen was a winner.
A winner and wiener. That’s the Meidell home mantra.
I looked at Tia and behind her stood Morgan Freeman, nodding in approval. So I nodded back. Tia who had become used to weird stuff like this just rolled her eyes and walked away.
The world was at peace and it only took four seconds. I turned back towards our room and immediately stepped on another lego.