Once there was a car, but unlike other cars, this one was filled with hatred. It would allow no man to drive it for the car could not be controlled. This car would destroy everyone who ever tired to help it. Everyone who ever cared for it. This car was pure evil. This car was my 1986 Green Honda.
After posting part 1 of the Green Honda tale, which you can read here, I learned some startling news. The green honda was not originally green. Yes apparently Danny had it painted from a dark silver color because he liked ninja turtles or something (lean, green, killing machine). Whatever the reason, Danny painted the car and I now have new found suspicions as to whether or not painting this car had anything to do with the curse placed upon it. It also explains why I can never find any pictures of green Hondas on the internet.
More than just the questions of paint, I find myself wondering what other secrets about the Honda Danny kept from me. Did a serial killer own this car before him? Were there spiders in the gas tank?
We may never know all the horrors this car of evil hath wrought but thankfully the horror is long over and everything is just a memory now. A hot, fiery memory.
Speaking of fire… let me tell you about the time my car caught on fire… twice. The first time my car started burning was at a most inopportune time, while order tacos at Taco bell.
Yes, I was sitting squished in between two cars at the local taco bell drive though in Bountiful, Utah. I was placing my order when it happened and the dialogue between myself and the employee went something like this:
EMPLOYEE: Bzzt… welcome to bzztco bell. How can I (indiscernible) you?
ME: Uh… hi, could I get five hardshell tacos, one cheesy gordita crunch , two burritos and a thing of cinnamon twists?
(What? Don’t blame me, I was a growing boy. I needed my protein to add to all my muscles! Anyway, let’s keep going, shall we…)
EMPLOYEE: bzzzt, I spit in the meat bzzzt
EMPLOYEE: I said, did you want mild, medium or fire sauce with that?
ME: Oh, let’s get mild.
(At this point, I looked up and noticed that there was smoke coming through my vents and flames and sparks popping out of the sides of the hood.)
EMPLOYEE: You say you want fire sauce?
ME: What!?! No, I want mild. My tongue is sensitive.
(I am a real coward when it comes to spices)
EMPLOYEE: Okay, bzzzt, pull forward. bzzt
Now you might be wondering why I didn’t break the lane and drive away. The reason is twofold. 1) I was hungry and had just ordered a delicious taco treat. 2) There was a small curb wall to my right that wouldn’t let me break the lane and as I said, there were cars in front and behind me. I was stuck. So I just began creeping forward. Obviously with a little bit of caution because I don’t want to be like one of those cars in the movies where the gas tank causes the entire car to explode. Though I bet I would look pretty badass walking away from that.
As I pull up to the window the man behind it looks shocked.
EMPLOYEE: Umm, ummm, your car…
ME: Is cursed, I know! Now, where’s my burrito?
The man handed me my burrito and I creeped ahead slowly crossing the street and into Target’s parking lot where my car died once more. I stepped out of the car and calmly walked away. Once at a safe distance I sat and quietly ate my Taco Bell as the smoke cleared from my car. Knowing that this trip to Taco Bell would probably cost me six hundred dollars, I decided to really enjoy it, so I ate my burrito nice and slow.
To learn about the second time my car caught on fire, we need to fast forward one year to the last time I ever drove the cursed beast of torment and pain. I was coming home work in Ogden and the car had been having some sputtering issues. As I pulled off the exit ramp in Centerville the engine suddenly burst into flames and sparks. At this point I was so comfortable with this car and it’s incredibly frustrating style of breaking down that I didn’t even panic. I just continued exiting the ramp, turned right, and coasted down the hill right into the parking lot of Phil’s Auto.
Now Phil’s auto is the place I took my car for all my problems. I am not the biggest fan of Phil’s auto, it sure seemed like they made a lot of mistakes and there were a lot of times I felt pretty cheated going there but what are you going to do. The car literally came to a stop right outside his shop. I stepped out of the car and told them what happened. Now over time I had racked up quite the bill at Phil’s and had been slowly paying it off over the past three years.
I stepped inside and asked Phil straight up how much he wanted for the car. He told me, he’d wipe my remaining debt (about 700 bucks) off the list in exchange for the parts of the car. I agreed, walked outside, waited for the smoke to clear, opened the door, grabbed my bag and used my newly acquired cellar phone to call for a ride.
And with that, I walked away from the car (which was basically exploding) and never looked back. That car had cost me so much. I just couldn’t deal with it anymore. I’d rather start over. So I did. But in the back of my mind, I couldn’t help think about the worst experience I ever had in that car…
To be concluded!