Category Archives: Uncategorized

Deodorant still missing; authorities baffled! 

The deodorant that disappeared yesterday morning is still missing after over 24 hours. The deodorant was last seen being carried from the bathroom by 16 month old Parker Meidell. When asked about the missing deodorant Parker had this to say, “Ba, ba, ba!”, while pointing at a ball. 

The deodorant’s owner Travis Meidell is worried about what the future will hold if his deodorant remains missing, “I’ve got a busy work week coming up and the weather is really hot. I can’t afford to go another day without my swagger!” 

  
When asked about buying a new one Travis had this to say, “Well, I mean I just bought this but I guess, yeah, I’d have to do that. It’s like $4.99 though.” 

Travis’ wife Tia seemed much more optimistic about the deodorant being found. “It’s bound to turn up”, she said, “and in the meantime he’s welcome to use mine.” 

Travis replied, “that [he’d] rather die!”

As of press time though Travis had found that he liked smelling like his wife’s “whipped cocoa butter” deodorant and was no longer sure if he cared to find his Old Spice. 

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Amazing! This man picked up every penny he ever saw and now look what he’s bought with them!

After over thirty years of scooping pennies off streets, bus floors and in one case, out of an elementary school urinal, local Seattle-ite Travis Meidell has finally decided to count all those pennies and the results will astound you.

“I’ve always said, ‘Travis you’re never to rich to stop and scoop up some pennies”, said Meidell, “even if that means reaching your hand into a bowl of urine because you’re afraid a flush might take the pennies with it.”

You could practically feel the excitement buzzing in the air as Travis counted up the 30-years worth of pennies: “77, 78 and 79. 79 cents!”

Cheers erupted as this pillar of the community showed everyone that a penny saved truly is a penny earned… Even if that means hoping your friends don’t notice you reaching into a bowl of piss for less than a nickel.

“Tonight, we’re buying a generic brand pack of hot dogs!”, Travis said as he cried hugging his family.

Faith in humanity restored.

Death by Patman (No, that’s not a typo)

You’re probably wondering if I meant to say “Batman” instead of “Patman” and I didn’t. Patman is exactly what I wanted to say. What’s a Patman? It’s Batman combined with my friend, Pat Koelling. Now I imagine this has lead to a couple new questions like why am I combining these elements and how did they almost kill me? Well that’s what I am here to tell you today.

Pat Koelling and I sorta went to school together. He graduated right after I started but we were basically forced into friendship by two factors. The first factor was that our wives were former roommates. This built-in connection forced Pat and I into basic level interactions. The second factor that lead to our friendship was that everyone told us we had to be friends. Pat is a pretty funny dude and sorta began this hierarchy of random-humor guys. It seemed as though there was an invisible crown passed from person to person with the most random (read: stupid) humor. So Pat was the first and when Andy Laugenour joined the program after Pat left, everyone would say things like, “oh, Andy, you’re the new Pat”. Which sorta made it seem like Pat had died even though he was still around.

When I joined the program, everyone would say, “Oh, Travis, you’re the new Andy.” I guess this made Pat my sort of humor grandpa or something. For the record and purpose of linage, after I left, Robbie Rane became the new Travis. Both Robbie and Andy have gone on to successful careers at one of the greatest (if not the single greatest) advertising agency in the world, W+K. Leaving Pat and I to assume that this magic W+K gene must skip a generation.

This great historical linage of Pat, Andy, Robbie and I has forced us into being friends because we were each essentially designed to replace the next one upon their death in the program. So when Amazon was looking into bringing another copywriter onboard, Pat was the first person I thought of. I did submit names of several friends (each of whom would have been great to work with) but Pat had everything Amazon was looking for and so he was brought on board quickly.

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Why playing Batman with Simon is the most frustrating thing in the world

Over the past few months, Simon has really grown up. I mean, he’s constantly growing but lately he’s just been spouting at full speed. Part of this has lead Simon to finally being interested in Batman on his own. For the past three years Simon has been way into different things like a stuffed lion that we named “Lion Friend” (don’t you judge me on my creativity), Thomas the Tank Engine, Pixar Cars, Dinosaurs, Sea Creatures (or Dangers of the Deep as Simon calls him) and now he’s finally into Batman.

I said "Smile" he thought, "growl"

I said “Smile” he thought, “growl”

At long last my prayers have been answered. So a couple months ago Simon and I set up the Batcave that I bought for him four years before he was born and we began to play and immediately I realized it. I was in Batfan hell. Why? Because playing Batman with Simon is the most frustrating thing in the world for fans of Batman. Let me explain.

1) He doesn’t respect character’s dynamics. 

Look, I am well aware that I am playing toys with a three year old but would it kill Simon to learn that the Joker is bad, Batman is good and Catwoman treads the line. Batman and Joker will be in the middle of an intense hostage situation and all of the sudden Joker starts asking Batman if they can be friends. No Simon, they can’t. Batman is a symbol of justice while Joker represents the chaos within all of us. Also he is holding Robin over a vat of lava (bowl of beans) and I think Batman would be a pretty bad superhero if he just ignored that. But that is playing with Simon. Characters constantly change sides and apparently everyone knows where the Batcave is because there is a constant parade of visitors to the cave (most convicted felons and murderers) and Batman just watches them come and go.

2) So much punching.

When Simon isn’t busy upsetting the entire Batman universe he is using his characters to punch other characters. The Riddler will have taken over Gotham Jail and right in the middle of broadcasting his riddle to the world he is punched in the face by Commissioner Gordon. Or Mr. Freeze. Or a cat (more on that later). The point being that anytime I try to give these characters any kind of story or character development they get punched in the face. Anytime Batman tries to explain to Robin the values of following the rules of the road, Batman gets punched in face. So much punching. Simon, Batman is more than just about using his fists. He’s about solving mysteries, being a detective.

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The play location.

3) Commissioner Gordon can’t get into his car

This is just me being a nitpicker but Simon really struggles getting Commissioner Gordon in and out of his car. I offer to help but he says he can do it. This really clogs the flow of the story. Let me paint you a picture. Bane and Two-Face are robbing the bank. They stand side-by-side threatening the city with their power. Batman arrives on the scene quickly followed by Commissioner Gordon in his patrol car. Tension runs high as everyone waits for Commissioner to get out and give directions. Commissioner is stuck in the car. He seems to have tipped over on his seat. Tensions slowly fall as the car magically floats to it’s side and tries to shake the commissioner out. Frustrated, the car drives off leaving Batman to handle the situation alone. Two-Face suddenly punches Bane. Batman rides a dinosaur.

Simon's world

Simon’s world

4) Universe crossovers galore

Speaking of Dinosaurs, apparently they are prevalent in the world of Gotham and no one cares. Also no one seems phased by the talking cars that are half the size of the citizens and the random sea creatures and cats (more on that in a second, I promise) that roam the streets. At first when Simon brought in multiple Batmen I handled it by suggesting that we were living in a multverse and each Batman was from a different universe and it worked. All the Batmen looked different so it fit that one was from the 60’s, one is the globetrotting 70’s Batman, etc. Then came the dinos. Now just about anyone can come into this universe with no consequences. I mean, I am all for crossovers but even I can’t justify what Lightening McQueen is doing in Gotham.

5) Every problem is solved by a cat 

The cat. I’ve alluded to him before and now you can finally learn all about, Mittens. Mittens (name given by Simon) was the spare cat that came with Catwoman. Yet Mittens as gone far beyond her owner in fame. Mittens the cat, for whatever reason, has become Simon’s go-to toy.

That's Mittens there in the front.

That’s Mittens there in the front… being a camera hog just like always. You don’t have a motorcycle Mittens! 

 

Mittens drives the Batmobile, she can defeat anyone, if kidnapped by Clayface (Dad) she will immediately escape any deathtrap. There is nothing Mittens can’t do and it drives me crazy. In Batman’s world Batman is the greatest there is but in this world he has been usurped by Mittens. In fact Batman was kicked out of the Batcave the other day after he refused to hug Mittens. Speaking of…

6) Batman doesn’t hug

After every play session Simon wants most characters to hug it out. I can understand that but I try to tell him that Batman doesn’t hug. He is vengeance. He is the night. His parents were brutally taken from him in a dark alley and he doesn’t have time to hug it out with Two-Face. Then Simon looks at me, with his big, sweet eyes and says, “But Dad, Batman loves his friends.” And maybe my heart melts. Maybe it’s okay if Batman (Dad) opens up, accepts these changes so that a little boy can have his own type of Batman. Maybe just the fact that a father and a son can play Batman together is enough. Maybe it’s all…

Catwoman just punched Batman in the face and threw Robin into the lava (beans). Oh it is on Simon, it is on. Let’s play again.

Best friends

Just a couple of dudes playing superheroes before bed. 

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A vision

I’ve been suffering from some seasonal allergies lately and so last night I decided to take a Benadryl before bed. I took the medicine and sat down to read a comic and shortly thereafter became increasingly tired. Now I am not a Benadryl man, so I was not used to the sleepiness that suddenly took over my body. I stumbled into bed and before I even had the covers over me, I was asleep. That’s when I had the vision.

Now, since I grew up going to church every Sunday, I know exactly how a vision is supposed to work and how I should describe it. In scripture. Thus I did.

My blog is just basically a holy scroll.

My blog is just basically a holy scroll.

The Vision of Travis

Chapter 1

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1986 Green Honda Part 2: The Fire within

Once there was a car, but unlike other cars, this one was filled with hatred. It would allow no man to drive it for the car could not be controlled. This car would destroy everyone who ever tired to help it. Everyone who ever cared for it. This car was pure evil. This car was my 1986 Green Honda.

More like a three quarter view into hell

More like a three quarter view into hell

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Guessin’ definitions

While I have long loved to write, I’ve also been a man of few words. Mostly because I don’t know that many words. Yes folks, it turns out that the majority of words I know start with Bat.

I drive a batcar... that doesn't sound right.

I drive a batcar… wait that doesn’t sound right.

 

So I’ve decided to take it upon myself to up my vocabulary so that when you talk to me, you think I am a well-versed, literate, knowledgable man. (See what I did there? That was one smart sentence.) But I thought why have all the fun? Why not encourage those around me to learn new words as well. Which is why I have created:

GUESSIN’ DEFINITIONS

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The most intense 4 seconds you’ll read all day

For as long as I can remember, my showers have been a musical numbers. Not just singing but listening to the music as well. There’s just something about cleaning off the dirt and grime while jamming to some sweet tunes. In recent years, as sleeping babies and napping toddlers have taken over my life, my nude-music time has become fewer and farther between.

But that’s okay because it makes the times I can listen to music all the sweeter and I rock even harder. This is what brings us to our four seconds. I was jamming really loud while Tia and Simon made breakfast with Parker watching them. I had left the laptop sitting outside the bathroom door on a tiny chair. I was in our room preparing to get dressed. I was about as far from the laptop as you could be. I was still in my towel when I heard it.

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My dream wedding

Every young girl dreams about that magical day when they finally get to be a princess for a day and marry the man they love in front of all her family and friends. They’ll fantasize about their dress, the food, the dancing, everything. While it may seem like men don’t think about their dream wedding that couldn’t be further from the truth. Men also fantasize about what it will be like when we finally become a prince.

He is called Prince of Vegas

He is called Prince of Vegas

Now I may already be married and my wedding was great but that doesn’t mean I sometimes don’t imagine what could have been… if I was put completely in charge.

Imagine it with me:

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Three solid pieces of advice for my two sons

The first two weeks of a child’s life are the worst. Oh sure, they’re cute and sweet but really they are just ticking time bombs of potential death. Every sneeze, every cough and every choking noise stops your heart. I hear Parker sniff and I am pretty sure that he is sniffing his final sniff. But once you start getting past the first few weeks, your nerves begin to relax. You begin to realize that you may have done it. This child may live to see you die instead.

And then a whole new set of worries takes over.

Your own mortality suddenly moves to the forefront of your thoughts. Suddenly you’re feeling your knees pop. You can hear this old man grunt when you get out of bed only to realize that you’re the grunter. You don’t know what Snapchat is. Yes, babies aren’t good for much except pooping, sleeping and reminding you of your impending death.

It’s on this note that I have decided to write fatherly advice to my boys. At this point the amount of weird, unidentifiable noises my body is making mean my untimely death must be right around the corner, so I better get some manly advice out now. I’ve decided to focus on the three things most important to a young man and probably the things I know the most about: Sports, Cars and Sex.

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